AustinCountry.com | In With Outsourcing

I'm In With Outsourcing

Austin Helms
Mississippi College
JOU 453
2004

I seem to be hearing this word a lot lately. Well, I hear a lot of words all the time, but this one merits mentioning because I actually looked into it. Outsourcing is the word that peaked my cute little ears. In case you have not heard, Americans have sent thousands of jobs abroad in pursuit of our little friend, the dollar. Apparently, workers in China and India will work for up to a tenth of what Americans will work for doing the exact same job. (Sheesh, aren’t those guys friends with the $ too?)

Of course, outsourcing is not a new concept, but the government was okay with it as long as it only entailed the blue-collar jobs. However, it seems that lately, many high level vocations are being shipped over the great Pacific as well. In the past, all you would find in the Eastern Asia companies were Abercrombie’s sweatshops and the “Made in China” factories. Now, though, you might find an Indian medic examining U.S. X-rays or Chinese programmers building Microsoft’s world domination devices.

As awful as all that sounds, I do not think that I will jump on the “Down with Outsourcing” bandwagon just yet. I think there is much profit to be made in this clearly capitalistic concept. After exhausted searches on the Internet and much research undertaken by my many teams, I have discovered that I can outsource my schoolwork. No, really! There is a young man in China named Ping Toshima who will gladly do all of my many outside assignments for the low, low price of $10 a week.

What a deal! Everybody wins. Given, postage to China will cost a good deal more than I what I am actually paying Ping, but I figure that I will be able to get a small job waiting tables with all my spare time to cover the expenses. Five hour a week should cover that, easily. Of course, I do not even spend that much time on outside class work in an average week. Then again, the stress and all the unneeded procrastination will come to an end, so it seems like a fair deal to me.

Think of the impact I will make on this Chinese kid. Ping is very smart (I mean, he is Asian), and his English is improving greatly. Through his new outsourcing job, not only will he be improving his mastery of English grammar, but he will also be able to buy the new bike he’s been wanting in only a matter of weeks.

And this is only the beginning.

Soon, I will be able to outsource other aspects of my life as well. I can ship someone over here to work my new waiter job for me. I will even let them work as many hours as they would like as long as they give me 80 percent, tips included, of course. That might even pave the way for a pay raise for Ping ($10 and a Hershey bar per week).

To take it even further, there is another lad in China by the name of Toshi who has expressed interest in undergoing plastic surgery to look exactly like me. (I know you’re thinking that Asians are a small lot, but I’m not exactly Shaq.) With my new body double, I will no longer have to go to class. Toshi will gladly take notes for me and do all he can to insure a good class participation grade. All this for $5 a week plus living expenses. (He can sleep on my couch.)

From there, I figure I can just do away with human interaction completely. Now, it’s not that I’m against mingling amongst the other lesser being of this earth; it’s just that outsourcing is so convenient and profitable! If I can find someone (from an outsource-able country, of course) who would be able to hang with all my friends and family, then I can use the wages from my outsourced waiter job to pay him. Of course, I’m sure that my associates will have to take some time to get used to an Asian playing my part, but they will come to accept him soon enough.

Oh, the possibilities! After this extended soliloquy, I cannot begin to imagine why outsourcing would have any opposition. I mean, I just heard the word, and I am already a captive fan.